Much has been said about the Champions League draw, which took place last Friday. Heated balls! Suspiciously ordered lists! We take a serious look at the speculation surrounding the draw.
Now that we’re all wearing our aluminium hats and looking for Illuminati connections in UEFA’s top executive spots, it’s time to delve into the murky world of conspiracy theories to see if UEFA LIES!!!1!
We will ask, however, that you bear with us in one aspect. We cannot deal with every single argument that the
conspiracy theorists illuminated, superior minds have come up to
moan about the draws their teams got shed light on UEFA’s cheating ways.
One reason for this is that some of them are frankly
ridiculous too advanced and intelligent for us to
even bother with even begin to comprehend. Another is that UEFA have kindly asked us to refrain from criticising them too much, or else Bayern will get a tough draw in the semifinals.
UEFA vs. Spain
Joder, tío.
Can’t you sheep see it? Last year, Atlético de Madrid faced Real Madrid in the quarterfinals. This year, Simeone’s men are up against Barcelona. Why are Spanish teams drawn against each other so consistently?
There’s no other explanation: UEFA don’t want all three Spanish teams in the semifinals. They know that whoever faces them is hopeless so they set them up against each other to eliminate them. So much for Mr. Villar’s power in UEFA, huh?
Never mind that the probability Gianluca Zambrotta had of picking a Spanish team by the point Atlético and Barcelona were drawn together was 50% (two out of four, as it was the third tie to be drawn). No, this was a deliberate move by UEFA. They hate tiki-taka. They hate Spain. They want you out as soon as possible!
Real Madrid get an “easy” draw
Which is why another one of your complaints is that Real Madrid have been consistently handed a relatively easy team in the quarterfinals for the past few years. By “easy”, of course, people with aluminium hats mean that Madrid weren’t drawn against Barcelona, Bayern or Atlético.
Again, never mind the fact that Real Madrid barely made it to the knockout phases before José Mourinho arrived.
First of all, if you lot think that Wolfsburg can be labeled with the word “easy”, think again. Looking at Real Madrid this season, I would not be surprised to see the Wolves progress over them. The fact that Madrid haters wanted to see los merengues drawn against one of the heavyweights doesn’t mean that it’s corrupt if they didn’t.
And again, you’re complaining about them getting Wolfsburg? I don’t remember anyone whining when they got APOEL Nicosia in the 2011-12 season. I also don’t remember anyone crying when Bayern got Marseille that same year.
Selective complaining. Gotta love it.
Bayern, Barça and Madrid avoid each other… again
OUTRAGE. BLASPHEMY. LIES.
How is it possible that Bayern München, Real Madrid and Barcelona have coincided in the quarterfinals for five years in a row and never had to deal with each other at this stage? Because UEFA wants them in the semifinals, that’s why.
Admittedly, this is one of the harder arguments to dismiss. Still, it’s stage stupid on one count. Nobody can guarantee that all of them will progress through to the semifinals. What if Atlético do away with the holders, which they did at this very stage in 2013-14? What if Benfica overcome Béla Guttman’s curse? What if Wolfsburg decide it’s enough of Real Madrid already?
No, those things aren’t very likely, but it’s the Champions League. We’ve seen bigger upsets. Your argument is stupid.
Heated balls
That would take some balls.
It’s also a highly stupid way of fixing a draw and you conspiracy theorists need to up your game a little if you want to be taken seriously. I mean, really think about it for one second. Zambrotta had eight balls to choose from, and according to your theory, the ties had already been decided. That means that he had to choose the right ball in seven draws.
Now, either Zambrotta has infrared vision or thermometers in his fingers because that would have meant heating balls to eight different temperatures to avoid confusion. Eight temperatures that would have to be far enough apart from each other to be distinguishable just by touching.
Also, what kind of instructions would he need?
UEFA Conspirator: Okay, Gianluca. You need to pick the ball that is second coldest. I would describe it as London-in-December cold. Got it?
No, don’t be daft. That’s a lousy conspiracy theory however you look at it.
Sod off
Go back to watching Signals. I’m not saying the draw wasn’t rigged (I wouldn’t be surprised if it was) but your arguments to support that theory are utterly ludicrous.
I’m sure if we haven’t noticed yet, there’s something very elaborate going on and you internet rats are probably out of reach to figure it out. That is, if indeed Champions League draws are rigged.
Maybe you should read something other than The Da Vinci Code before you start trying to spot conspiracies everywhere you go.
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