What makes a perfect mascot? Should it have any relation to the team it represents? Or does it just need to be a good hype man? Should it be from the animal kingdom, a humanoid, or a guessing game? Trying to define a good mascot is probably more art than a science – you just know one when you see it. With that in mind, we’ve ranked all the MLS mascots from worst to first. (Not every team in MLS has a mascot, but thank goodness for the ones that do.)
14
Q - San Jose Earthquakes
"Q" just kind of looks like an elderly man who happens to be blue, which is fine, but it's unclear how it is related to the Earthquakes at all. There was that time Q wandered into the middle of a David Beckham squabble like he was lost or wasn’t sure what was going on, and that just kind of sums up Q. Also, why exactly is he blue? Should he see a doctor? There are a lot of questions there. Photo: Robert Stanton
13
Edson - Colorado Rapids
Edson is one of multiple mascots the Rapids have had in rotation, but he’s the main one these days. He is bald eagle, chosen to represent American values like “freedom, spirit, and the pursuit of excellence,” according to the Rapids. But Colorado could’ve gone in so many other directions. As one of the MLS teams that gives us games in snow sometimes, from a region known for its skiing, what about a polar bear or a penguin? Or to go with the whitewater rapids theme, how about a water-based creature, like an adorable sea otter? Missed opportunity to do something no other teams are doing. Photo: Ron Chenoy
12
Kingston - Orlando City SC
There's something about Kingston that makes it seem like he loves 90s hip-hop. Could it be that he is rocking a bandage under his left eye like Nelly? Maybe he is more of a TLC and “Left Eye” fan. Either way, it seems Orlando City were going for more "street cred" than “cuddly.”
11
Blue - Sporting Kansas City
Blue is a dog, which you can never go wrong with for a mascot. His name reminds us of Blue’s Clues, which was the best kids show, even if the puzzles were really easy. But Blue always has this blank expression on his face like he's questioning his life choices and going through an existential crisis. Don’t worry buddy, Sporting KC will be back into the MLS Cup final soon, we’re sure of it. Photo: Denny Medley
10
Leo - Real Salt Lake
Leo the lion fits the royalty theme of a team named Real Salt Lake, which in Spanish means “Royal Salt Lake.” Lions are the king of the jungle, after all. Leo seems like a nice enough mascot. The question is, does he speak Spanish — or English, for that matter? After all, he is a lion. Photo: George Frey
9
Diesel - Houston Dynamo
If you look up the definition of the word “dynamo,” it means either a machine that produces electricity or someone who has a lot of energy. In the case of the Houston Dynamo, it’s referring to the latter. Diesel is a fox and foxes have a lot of energy, so that works. He is also orange, which is the team’s main color and, according to his official bio, his favorite drink is orange crush. Seems on-brand. Photo: Troy Taormina
8
Crew Cat - Columbus Crew SC
Crew Cat works because his colors match the Columbus Crew pretty well, and he’s also the only cat of all the MLS mascots. Some people are dog people, but some people are cat people and Crew Cat is the mascot for them. (We don't believe that S.C., their new mascot who is Crew Cat's son, can ever really replace the original.) Photo: Andrew Weber
7
Slyde - New England Revolution
We’re not actually sure what a fox has to do with the New England Revolution, but he’s a lot cuter than a patriot from the colonies during the American revolutionary war. Going for the less literal, less historically accurate option was the right choice here. EDIT: Slyde was pretty upset that we didn't acknowledge he is a fox because the Revs play in Foxborough. We were doing you a favor, Slyde. With that reasoning, as soon as the Revs finally build their own stadium near Boston proper, you're going to have to be fired. We don't want that, we like you. Photo: Stew Milne
6
Spike - Vancouver Whitecaps FC
According to the Whitecaps, Spike is a belted kingfisher, a bird common in Canada (and the USA). You have to give them credit for the thought they put into the specificity of the type of bird. The name is great because belted kingfishers often have spiky little mohawks, like Spike does, and it’s also a pun on the team name. The Whitecaps refers to the mountains of Vancouver, B.C. — what are mountains if not giant spikes coming out of the planet? Photo: Jeff Vinnick
5
Talon - D.C. United
Talon is on-brand for D.C. United, which feature an eagle on their crest. After all, since they are a team from the nation’s capital, they have to be a little more patriotic than the rest of the teams. What says “America” more than a bald eagle? A bald eagle named Talon, that’s what. Talon is a baby name that has grown popular in recent years in the U.S., but is also the name of an eagle’s claw. Clever. Photo: Brad Mills
4
Tex Hooper - FC Dallas
You have to give credit to Tex Hooper — he knows how to work a crowd. We had a lot of photos of Tex to choose from here: Waving a flag, behind a camera pretending to be a sideline photographer, holding up a sign to rile up the crowd, giving out high fives and fist pumps. He’s got swagger, which is fitting because that’s just how No. 1 FC Dallas play on the pitch.Photo: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports
3
Sparky - Chicago Fire
What’s not to love about Sparky? The team is named the Chicago Fire and their badge is a Florian's cross, so of course their mascot had to be a Dalmatian. Plus, his name is Sparky, which is just a great cliche dog name. They could’ve gone for Fido, Spot or Buddy, but Sparky makes sense because you want a soccer team to play with spark. It just works well all around, even if lately, the team hasn’t been. Photo: Mike Dinovo
2
Timber Joey - Portland Timbers FC
Timber Joey is a unique “mascot” because, well, it’s an actual person. His name is Joey in real life and he’s an actual lumberjack. The Timbers mascot started because, in 1978, Jim Serrill, a fan of the NASL team, asked for permission to bring his chainsaw to the games and entertain the crowd. Timber Jim was a hit and when he retired, Timber Joey continued the tradition. If you attend a Timbers game, you can expect to see Joey roving around, revving up his chainsaw to get the crowd going. We think that the chainsaw he walks around with is not the same one he uses to cut the log slices after the Timbers score. We hope so for safety reasons, anyway. Photo: Steve Dykes-USA TODAY Sports
1
Cozmo - L.A. Galaxy
You look at Cozmo and you think, “What is that?” Well, as the L.A. Galaxy explain: “He hopped in to his lunar space module and headed out to search for his new home. After two years of searching, on June 7th, 2003 while speeding through space he made an emergency left turn to avoid a cow jumping over the moon and was spiraling out of control. Cozmo made a miraculous landing in Carson, CA.” Oh. So he is a refugee from outer space, then? Well, he seems to have acclimated to earth pretty well with five MLS Cups in the bag. Photo: Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports
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